lucybox | ty wants to see dave put his foot in his mouth

ty wants to see dave put his foot in his mouth

[ today in alternate reincarnation aus i guess: what if instead of john egbert walking into his college room, his Destined Roomie (tm) it happened instead like this?

dave and rose don't really go to parties that often. it's not that they're opposed to socializing or anything, it's just not their Thing. dave is more likely to spend his free time dicking around on the internet or bothering his siblings and friends. the only changes memories have caused is an occasional interest in being alone. rose - well, rose tends to have her own things, and like dave she seems to be perfectly fine without the College Experience of parties. dave's pretty sure roxy is the only one who really actively seeks that kind of thing out, and that suits him fine.

so he's not really sure why he and rose agree to go to this party, except it's being thrown by a bunch of rose's more nerdy friends, people she's met in classes that dave doesn't take. and, well, if rose grabs dave's arm and tells him he has plans, dave is more likely than not to go "yeah, okay" or at least to let himself be dragged along as he protests and argues the entire way there.

he expects to try to stick to juice (he will go into people's fridges without worrying, whatever) and to chat with people randomly, and maybe if he's lucky there'll be fireworks, since this is supposedly a fourth of july thing?

he does not expect to recognize someone and he does not expect to need the mouth-to-brain filter that only sometimes functions periodically and so he kind of freezes up, points at his best friend and says ]

Dibs. [ louder than expected, although at least some people are drunk enough to just kind of snort and move on.

...rose laughs, pats his arm, and ABANDONS HIM, the lousiest excuse for a twin sister in the world (he would kill and die for her) and dave flounders. ] I mean - shit. Shit, I can't save that one, oh my god. Is there a convenient balcony to fling myself off of.

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Well, obviously the kids' exhibits are the coolest, because as you know kids get the coolest shit always? Like, kids meals: why don't adult meals come with toys? Because the world caters to the young. We're past our prime, and we can never again have those delights, unless we lie about our age, or say we're getting a thing for a younger relative, or I guess just order a kids' meal and fuck the police.

[ ...he had a point. what was the point? ]

Anyway straight through here is the "Life On Other Planets" section, or that is what I call it, it has a different name. There are scales so you can see how much you weigh on other planets and also this one, and for the record if you ask Rose to stand on Earth's scale or comment on her standing on heavier planet scales, she can and will punch you in the arm. Really hard.

[Part of him thinks that Dave Strider would be the type of person to order a kids' meal and hang the prize inside from his keys like some stupid trophy. Part of him wonders why he would make that assumption and he ignores it because…

…well. He temporarily forgets that this is a mockumentary and there's a broad grin followed by a laugh even as he steps past Dave to head straight for said-exhibit. Life on other planets? Sounds right up his alley.]

Remind me to recapture my youth before we leave. Did you seriously tell your sister she was fat on Mars or something? [He shakes his head.] We never had a full planetarium that was open to the public like this. Ours was attached to a science museum or to the college itself. Kinda takes the fun out of it.

[Let him play with the stars okay. This is half-John Egbert making dumb videos and half-John Egbert doing what he wants to do which is explore space for a while. Sorry Dave.]

Look, sometimes when you're nine and your sister steps on a scale that say's she's like a thousand pounds or whatever, you just gotta comment. I cannot be held accountable for the things that might've been said in that situation?

[ yes he can be. and he 100% is the kind of guy who would hang a kids' meal toy from his keys. or just...any kitschy keychain his friends hand him. despite how he looks and the things he says sometimes, dave is really, really sentimental. he never throws out anything people give him, so long as the person in question is someone he cares about at all. ]

There's also this pretty cool, uh, sphere exhibit thing through here, which shows you the weather on the planet? Like, it's electronic projected on a sphere, and you can just see how it looks from a satellite's view. There are ones for other planets, too, although obviously Earth is the best one since. We have the most satellites? Not rocket science. Actually I guess technically it is rocket science?

Good to know the brain to mouth filter started way back then. [It's funny mostly, but that makes enough sense to him that he can't even deny that Dave has a point. He's actively listening though even though the camera's shifting from space to space, eventually always gravitating to Dave one more time.

Somehow, he's capable of redirecting John's attention enough even if his eyes are wandering and his thoughts are rotating.]

That is absolutely the description of rocket science. And this is why we go to college. We go to learn shit, not to deal with lame parties. Who would talk about rocket science at a party? No one. [But now that they've entered the room he's heading for what looks like a display that marks how far each planet is from one another.] Even if there are other ways to travel through space besides rockets, why do you think we default to rockets?

Probably it's somethin' in the psyche of all dudes that's like, shit bro, you know what would be wicked cool? Like, a phallic vessel we blast off into space at top speed! Yeah man that's where it's at!! Besides, the coolest possible way would be just flyin' around without any protective gear, but that is not a thing science can attain, so I guess we're stuck with like, rocket ships. Or those other options that just don't pull a guy in as much?

[ what the hell is he talking about ]

But the weather spheres - there we go, right here. Haha, look, those assholes are gettin' rained on but it missed us. Though I actually do not mind rain? It would just make a walk a pain in the ass.

[ he gestures to the display, locating recolle without too much difficulty. ]

When you look at the earth from far away, or any planet I guess, it all seems so much less immediate. Which I guess is the point of lookin' at a thing from far away, but it just seems weird that it is a thing that can happen.

So what you're saying is that we use rockets to travel through space because of an extended dick joke. [He makes a face, thinking over something.] There are other ways. Science is making new vessels and stuff all the time. Maybe we will send a car or a boat into space next.

[They're both perfectly fine. He's going to approach and peer at said-display, tracing the miles from Recollé to Seattle with ease.]

You would like where I'm from then. It rains a lot. I think I miss it, too. [His free hand comes up to shape into a ball, a planet-esque shape as he nods along.] Isn't that the same as people in a way? You look at a person from far away and they don't seem that important but when you get up close and personal you start to notice all of the other things about them and it's a lot harder to resist the gravitational pull because it's right there.

[He taps on Seattle twice on their globe before he moves on, off to seek stars again.] Anyway, navigating new planets isn't so bad. But sometimes I think there are faster ways than dick-vessels. Wormholes and stuff. [Are you sure this was a better idea than staying at the party, Dave?]

[ this is totally a better idea, what are you talking about! even if dave thinks you aren't wrong about the gravitational pull people have, because here he is, stuck in john egbert's wake. ]

You ain't wrong. [ oh my god. brain, what did we JUST LEARN earlier about saying things we think? even if it's a murmur as he watches more than anything else. more clearly: ] Pretty much everythin' in our society is an extended dick joke, dude. I can connect anything back to dicks given a few minutes? It's like that game where you try to connect two people through a series of people in as few steps as possible, but you are doin' a concept and then dicks. Freud would back me up here, the dude literally thought of nothin' but.

[ HOW IS THAT BETTER THAN THE THING YOU ACCIDENTALLY SAID, CHRIST ]

Wormholes are like shortcuts and I feel inherently that there are certain dangers in most shortcuts. I mean, you can't just leap through a wormhole and go "wow! this will probably be completely okay, even though it seems ill-advised as fuck!" I mean, you can, but it seems like a terrible idea, thus the ill-advised as fuck part.

[If he were more aware of what he'd also just said, maybe John would consider the fact that he's only here because of a gravitational pull with Dave. Normally, if someone had called dibs and made themselves look like a total jackass John would have laughed and joked his way out of it, walking off and leaving it to settle. Instead, here he is capturing the essence of who Dave is on film and finding himself comfortable and unable to pull away even if he wanted to.

What a weird thing. So. Dave gets another bright grin with John being satisfied with this conclusion before it warps into a groan.]

Six degrees of dicks is not and should not be a thing, Dave. [Better question, why is John just letting this go???] But that means you're like the Dick Whisperer or something.

[Let's talk about wormholes instead.] What makes you so sure a wormhole is that fast and really considered a shortcut anyway? Even if you're moving at your fastest pace it could take you, like, three years to get from one place to the next. [Well. That's specific. But okay.]

[ three years. three years through space on not-a-rocket ship. dave blinks behind his shades, but he doesn't call john on it in this universe. instead he makes himself grin. ]

I will accept the title of Dick Whisperer with pride, thanks, not everyone is talented enough to be a master of Six Degrees of Dicks. I mean, you're clearly not up to the challenge, Egbert. You can't throw shade at the dude on the throne if you're not willin' to stage a revolution and take his place, man. Until you beat me at a game of Six Degrees of Dicks, you're out of luck.

[ stop talking about dicks ]

What makes you so sure that you'd get through a wormhole in three years? Space is kind of a wonky hit or miss when it comes to times, as far as science has told me.

I'm pretty sure that's not a challenge I want to be up to. Six Degrees of Dicks is not for the faint of heart and my sensible sensibilities or whatever. Keep your crown then, Dick Prince.

[I can't believe playing from this canon means conversations about dicks. But all joking aside, John considers for a moment before he decides what he has to say is. Sort of serious? Enough that he's shutting off the camera for a minute and pocketing his phone as he continues through the planetarium, passing a display of space rovers and the like.]

Because. You can calculate speed and get an estimate when you know what universe you're working within the confines of. Science is all about matter and space, they sort of work together. It gets a little funky if other universes are involved but that's all theorizing that other universes exist. [Other than he's talking about it like he absolutely knows. Maybe that's just how he feels about science. His expression is curious and a little confused like he's not even sure where he's getting his information, but. He knows it's right.] But that also depends how far the wormhole extends.

Technically I am more probably the Dick Knight. My bro is the prince.

[ classpects!!!!!!!! anyway. ]

I'm pretty sure other universes have to exist, or comic books have lied to me my entire childhood. Which, like, sure they have lied about some things, but I refuse to believe they lied about things like "if you get doused with chemical waste, you will become a superhero".

Okay. I am pretty sure that's actually the name of a porno movie somewhere, but if that's what you want we'll get you some business cards and everything.

[Nope. Nothing. Rings zero bells, etc.] As somebody who's been doused by chemical waste before I can confirm that it doesn't make you a superhero. It's pretty lame, I had high hopes and everything. Universes are different than super powers anyway. What else shouldn't comics lie about?

I would be the prettiest porn star.

[ so like. is JOHN regretting leaving that party yet? ]

Also, wait. You have to explain the "doused in chemical waste before" thing, dude, you can't just noodle incident out of that, what the fuck?

You would. I can already feel myself being insanely attracted to you because you are so pretty. [At least this Egbert can still make dumb, deadpan jokes. He's still apparently enjoying himself and likes that Dave will let him say stupid bullshit like this, so. It's fine? But there's a little bit of a laugh because yeah ABOUT THAT...]

Which part do you want to know, why I didn't get powers? I'm still trying to figure that out myself but it was highly disappointing. [No.]

Thank you. I often have problems with people just prostratin' themselves at my feet on account of my good looks. "Mr. Strider!" the feet-prostratin' people say, "Please grace us with your wisdom," and because I'm not Rose I just kinda smirk and keep goin' because you have to be a mystery. The enigmatic confusion is like 99% of the draw. The other 5000% bein' my magnetic hunkism.

[ why ]

Also I want to know why the fuck you got doused in chemical waste or if that's a joke??

99 and 5000 doesn't equal 100...[But he's shaking his head and yeah, okay, he's going to let that go. Whatever, Dave.]

It's not like I did it on purpose! These sort of things just happen sometimes. [On what planet?] This was a couple of years ago, I was sick for a while and then I got better. No cool powers, nothing. But apparently I'm lucky to be alive so maybe that's a superpower itself.

[Oh look. Stars. He's just going to enter the next room which is apparently where it's floor to ceiling stars and constellations rotating on a domed ceiling. Neat.]

My magnetic charm deserves to break stats, my dude.

[ dave trails along like a lost puppy. ]

...You nearly died? [ holy shit. holy shit no that's not okay, even if it was almost, that's unacceptable? ] That kinda thing does not just happen to people, what the fuck.

[ now he's just distressed oops ]

[He doesn't seem to think this is a big deal, Dave following him or John discussing such things. He's busy mapping the stars with his eyes and doesn't quite look him in the face. His shoulders are a little tense but that's about the only difference here.]

I'm okay now. [Like that fixes everything.] Vriska and I didn't know what would happen when we went to the junkyard, it was like a freak accident. [Be less distressed, Dave! At least he didn't die in this lifetime oops.] ...she hit a lever on something and the waste spilled over. We're still not sure if it was because of the skin contact or the fumes, um. [It's easier to joke about it since while he doesn't have the struggles of his morality, it's also kind of morbid.] Anyway...I would not recommend it.

[ holy fucking shit why does vriska serket ruin lives by proxy all the time?? ]

Just...jesus. I wouldn't think you would. Maybe play it safe and keep away from [ VRISKA? ] junkyards for the rest of eternity. It does totally suck you have no superpowers, though.

[And this John is just as clueless about Vriska as he was initially so good luck, everyone. His hands are in his pockets and he's staring at the stars, eyeing them curiously.]

I have no need for junkyards anymore, but the superpowers would have been sweet. I have always wanted to fly. [There's a lull.] Sorry to sort of drop that on you by the way. I guess we're even now.

Are we? I mean, if you want part of my tragic backstory, I guess I can give it to you in trade.

[ dave's watching john, his expression entirely serious - ]

When I was a kid, [ here we go ] I was cursed with beauty beyond compare. Everyone was mad jealous, I couldn't go three minutes without someone fallin' over themselves beggin' me for my number or some dude challengin' me to a duel because my hair was that much more fabulous than his and he couldn't handle it.

[ like

what did u expect ]

[...what if he just hipchecks him into the nearby trash can? Fucker. That doesn't stop him from laughing though, the tension leaving his shoulders and John reverting back to a John Dave knows.]

And you gave me shit for liking Zoolander. Come on.I meant blurting out shit, jackass. Now we're definitely even. [He's watching the stars all the while. He narrows his eyes then, stopping shortly as he stares for a moment before he seems to mumble to himself.] This isn't what it looked like. [Onward he goes.]

[ i mean he can dave will let him and just laugh about it. he kind of peers at the ceiling when john mutters at it but can't. see anything worth complaining about?

- wait. this isn't what it looked like. still - ]

Egbert, everyone and their ma should've been givin' you shit about likin' Zoolander. It is a travesty they did not, but I am here to pick up the slack. Why are you mad at the stars?

Have you ever even seen it? I'm going to make you watch it with me sometime so that you understand and appreciate it for the art that it is. [Bye, Dave. John's still walking slowly with his head craned back to stare above him. The question renders a pensive look though.]

I'm not mad at the stars. I just wonder where they're getting their maps from. [...even that sounds crazy. But looking at them it's hard to shake out another vision of planets and space that he's seen, a long stretch of stars and blurs and lightyears. But that's crazy. He's never been to something like that. And explaining it to Dave would be something he couldn't play off as a joke, he thinks.] I wonder if whoever made them has ever been to space on a dick-rocket, that's all.

I believe they're gettin' them from satellites placed around the universe. [ cautiously. because - yeah, he's pretty sure that's where it's coming from. but there are other universes, with other stars, and the constellations look different from out in space than they do on earth. ] These maps are made to be looked at from here, though. Or sometimes from other planets - specifically the ones in our solar system.

[ not other planets that may or may not have once existed in sburb. ]

Also, I'll watch whatever movies you want with you. I will not promise not to mock them as I do, though.

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@ me why are small tags my nemesis

gj lucy

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